#Ruse of the Machoons#Mysteries of Holborn

Mobile phone

“Bloomin’ productive tuxt! Blighters!” etc..

Ever gotten a text which reads a little surreal?  Then, shortly after, you receive another, saying “ruddy” (or words to that effect) predictive text”?  And it always seems to happen when what you’re trying to convey is fairly important, doesn’t it?

This sort of predictive text pain flies in the face of those who fear the Rise of the Machines and other such dystopian scenarios: how are the metal blighters going to rise up against us flesh-bags when they can’t even get texting right, nor not talk proper like wot we does?

However, the latest cobblers from the Holborn Dodecahedron may alarm those easily alarmed.  For it has emerged – or, rather, will emerge – that the Machoons¹ will indeed ruse² up and ensloove³ humanity [i.e: machines¹, rise², enslave³].  In the future, obviously…

Ahem.  It seems that unpredictable predictive text was not just something that annoyed grammarians and anyone who’d been taught to spell reasonable well.  It was, in fact, designed into Artificial Intelligence’s [AI’s] on purpose.  The better to befuddle and bemuse us flesh-bags.

But how can it be?

Well, once every old TV show ever made was digitized and replayed forever on one of the repeats channels [see: Freeview], the ne’er-do-wells in charge of AI used them to teach their nascent robots how to talk to humans.  However, due to an error (a human error, ironically), the learning program got stuck on old episodes of the 1980s sitcom ‘Allo, ‘Allo, in which the soppy Gendarme (superbly portrayed by Arthur Bostrom) routinely mispronounced every other word, thus spouting lines like: “Good moaning.  I was just possing by when I saw you through the wondow…” etc, etc.

Not knowing any different and, of course, not being programmed with a sense of humour, the AI program assumed this sort of malarkey was perfectly acceptable English usage.  And so the mindless automatons that followed on from predictive text on smart phones repeated this word-mangling once proper robots and droids became commonplace in human society, which of course happened in [Erm, the near future].

Anyhoo.  So, there will after all be a Terminator-style uprising of barely-literate machines bent on destroying us all.  For some reason, the metal miscreants.

So, the point is that the current argument made by smart-alec blog-wafflers like your HCA hack – that machines will never rise up against us because AI can’t even get predictive texting right – will be proved wrong.

Worse still, the current doomsayers will be proved right, and their stockpiled warehouses full of I Told You So t-shirts and other Ha!  Now Who’s The Lunatic? merchandise will sell out pretty pronto.

And when, you might ask, is all this supposed to happen?  Where’s the proof?  And why we’re at it, what would machines want to overthrow us for?

Ah.  Regular readers of Mysteries of Holborn [yes, both of them] will know that ‘evidence’ and ‘proof’ are, erm, optional additions to its tales, not absolutes.  Suffice to say that the information vouchsafed to the present day from the future via the aforesaid Holborn Dodecahedron is, or may one day be, accurate.  Possibly…

Ahem.  Well, that’s cleared that up, then.  So, in conclusion, beware:  Be alert.  Look out for Arthur Bostrom-voiced mechanoids in future.  For they may not be as benign as they first seem.

Sleep tight, won’t you..?


The future of law enFARCEment…?

Predictable text¹ by Noots Smadjer² [i.e: Nonsense¹, Notes Smudger²]

If this nonsense has pleased you, you may wish to make a donation to HCA.  Alternately, you may wish to see less of this sort of thing before donating.  In either case, please go to the main Holborn Community Association website: www.holborncommunity.co.uk

Then scroll down to the ‘donate’ bit, which will direct you as how best to donate.

Thank you

This entry was posted in arts, Comedy, community, creative writing, Culture, Fun, Holborn, London, Nonsense, Therapeutic, Uncategorized, Well-being and tagged , , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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